notes on legacy
During Heads Retreat, someone, probably the eternally eloquent Badrias, said that what we were doing as Heads was leaving a legacy by taking on our given positions. Someone out there was going to remember the work we were doing and just like they did when we were watching PCN 2008: Awaken Movement, our names would be revived in that very instant. We would be examples today for leaders tomorrow. I remember listening to all the upperclassmen talking about this person and that person, making all these comments and taking what they’ve learned from them and, in a sense, giving it to me.
We are the sum and learning experiences of everyone before us; everyone after us will take pieces of what we have given them and add to it. That in itself is a legacy that has been going on for thirty-five years now.
I can’t help but think that years from now, I will be in that same position. I will re-ignite their names on my lips and carry on the legacy they left me to some underclassmen. I myself am no legacy. But, I am the sum of everything before me until I move onto the next step and pass it onto someone else.
I wrote this almost a year ago, and when the theme “Our Legacy | Ang Ating Pamana” came to full fruition, I was highly amused. That term legacy manifesting itself in this year’s PCN, just as it had manifested during PCN 2011 Head’s Retreat, a retreat that I still think about in amazement. Talk about coming into my own.
The first movement is the heart.
Every step I have taken for this show was out of a great love for the process, the community, and the people involved. Understand that everything I do is not without motivation, that even though this is only my second time doing PCN, I have put myself in the hardest position you can possibly put yourself in, all in the name of being that one person you can always count on, that one person you can trust when others have proven themselves fallible.
I am not infallible. I am just as susceptible to weakness, just as susceptible to irritability and anger. There have been times where it seemed like I was the angriest for “no reason at all,” and I felt a little insecure about holding that position initially, but then talking to Kuya Alan, I realized, “Fuck that.” I know what my job position entails, and I know what I have to do to get us to the best possible place we can. I know what I am doing, more so than many others in this process, from those who are first timers to some who have been involved longer than I have. I trust in myself, therefore I trust in my heart.
The show is coming up. I am exhausted, stretched past my limit several hundred times only to find that perceived border was not actually the truth of my parameters, but another piece of self-doubt to overcome. No matter what, I have committed. No matter what, I have gone in all heart.
This is it. This is the chain reaction of my first movement.
today is a good pcn day because…
- we got our sound amplification requests approved for p-week
- we have a space for saturday’s (4/14) rehearsal
- our newest and absolutely finalized event manager is back in the office, and we are scheduled to meet with her and the head electrician on april 6
- i finished my p-week agenda and now that it’s out, a huge weight has been lifted
- our tickets have been printed and will be distributed (eventually lololol)
- our trailer will be released tonight
hugs for all!
pick myself back up, dust my shoulders off, and fucking step it up.
work harder, get results. no one but me sets the bar, and i set it high for a reason. i knew it wouldn’t be easy, but knowing and understanding are two different things.
wanna know why i’m scared? 28 days, but in reality i only have 9 days. and even more importantly, i only have 4 days till the most critical day before the show.
let’s do this.
|me:||[checks time & notices it's like 7:30] 'kay, back to bed.
|me:||[suddenly wakes up and checks time: 9:10ish am] OHSHIT.
|text message yells:||Holy fucking shit I hella overslept
|and that's the story of how i woke up today. LOLOL. but i did feel really bad because i feel like it's absolutely integral that i'm present for all-casts. at least ate tracy gave me a ride. woop woop.
"Don’t be afraid to fail because it means you are willing to succeed."
(what i do is all heart)