I’ve had an incredibly long few weeks. From Central Cal Outreach, classes, {m} retreat, PCN Acting auditions, callbacks, classes, PCN Retreat, meetings, meetings, meetings, Townhalls, logistics, programming, programming, programming. Spring started, and I just had to hit the ground running.

I know everyone’s busy, and everyone’s stressing, but everyone has different limits, right? I’m not sure if I actually hit my limit yet (it doesn’t feel like it, despite all the tiredness and stress), but I know the approach of it. Save for Monday, every day this week I’ve been home after 11. On Thursday, I had classes & work till 5, short break, and I went to basically three meetings, two of which conflicted with one another (an hour at one, caught the tail end of another, back to the first one).

I’ve been looking ragged for the past few days. I suppose that’s the product of literally never ending programming. I’ve only had one free weekend since this semester started.

But, reading this email from someone I sincerely look up to, someone I consider like a Kuya, definitely reminded me that I am working really hard, that the amount of work I put into everything I do isn’t just hard work, but love.

Yes, that’s cheesy, but it doesn’t detract any less from the sentiment. I work my ass off everyday and I don’t go into something with the intention of half-assing it. I do not half-ass what I love, because if I did, then it would be an incredible disservice and disrespect not just to it, but the people involved, the people who trust and have faith in me and the work that I am capable of and do.

Maybe I do want to throw in the towel every so often, to tell people to just give me a fucking break. To be entitled and bitchy. But, then I remember that there are so many other people who work ten times harder than me without complaint, and I feel guilty about feeling entitled. Entitlement is such an ugly thing to feel, but hard to acknowledge when you do feel it.

I suppose all I want within these next few months is more humbleness. For the strength to be humble and not complain so much, to stop telling people I am tired; or, if I am tired, to trust and have faith in others as much as people have trusted and had faith in me in the past to carry through with what we have set out to do.

Growth is never easy; the things you love most are usually the most challenging. I will do this. I absolutely know I can.